Chapters of Book

Chapter 8: Depression

I know you know it all. I even know that your case was way worse than mine. I know that depression treats everyone differently. But I also know that we are all suffering from it.

Not going to a party because you just can´t. Why do we always have this pressure of having a good reason? Sometimes we don´t and it shall be normalized.

I wanted to write a long post about depression but I really can´t. Maybe I´ll procrastinate later.

My last Post had only 1 view from Canada. So if anybody ever reads these, please, let me know somehow (maybe with contacts, maybe with comments).
Thanks for reading.

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Chapters of Book

Chapter 7: What´s that shit?

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What’s that shit that makes me so sad on this very Monday morning? Is it because I feel miserable at my job? Or is it because of being 500 grams overweight than my goal? Oh, now that I’ve said it out loud it really sounds very silly.

Maybe it is because of more and more people getting pregnant around you and you are not. No, you do not want children but:

  • Will you regret this when you are old?
  • Maybe.
  • How do you know?
  • There is no way of knowing.
  • Shall you stress about things you can’t change?
  • No.
  • Do you tho?
  • Yeah.

Maybe you just think you should travel instead of having children.

Maybe it is because of your blind eye. And the blindness progressing in the other one too. Maybe it is because you are afraid of blindness.

Maybe it is because of the sexual assault last year. Maybe it is because your bf doesn’t even seem to care or understand the point. Maybe he cares more than you think but he is just bad at expressing his feelings. As always. Maybe it is because you are not strong enough to talk to your assaulter. Maybe you shouldn’t.

  • Is there a way to know what’s better for this particular situation?
  • No.
  • Shall you stress about things you can’t change?
  • NO.
  • Do you tho?
  • YES.

Maybe it is about your mother. Maybe it is about your Father and the whole family bullying you about your weight while all of them being fatasses their whole life.

Maybe you should seek help.

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Chapter 6: In love


I’m in love.

Truly Madly Deeply.

Just like in this old famous song.

I can remember times when I was laying in my King-Size bed in my old home, in my country of origin. Do not think that I had money because of the size of my bed, it was just on a super sale and I could finally stop sleeping on my small old couch. First days were great and I cannot lie. Your other brothers can´t deny. But what other brothers. I was alone. There were no other people in my bed. And it surprisingly made me desperate.

I don´t know, I was always feeling this way. It was all about my appearances like weight, not-so-great boobies, and unclear skin. My mother was not making it better. She was a single Mom, with her own insecurities. I will forgive her someday, but today is not the day. She made me feel bad about my body so I was desperately falling in love with every boy I saw but I was always sure that nobody could love me.

So you can imagine how bad it was for me, a 17-year-old girl, who only had very, very bad sex once. Guess what I was doing all the time. Yeah, right, I was cuddling with pillows and watching romcoms almost every night in bed. I was even snacking and binge eating more and more often in bed. So it made me gain much weight. Aaaand made me even more desperate.

After five or six short-term unsuccessful relationships I moved to Germany when I was 19. I will write about them soon but now I just want to show you how unexpectedly can love appear in your life. So in Germany, there are like 1000 boys per girl on Tinder. I was sitting at home, swiping right the handsome boys and feeding my insecure-self with this attention. So I choose the best ones and started to meet them. Of course it lead me to one very strange one night stand almost 50 km away from my home. The guy was nice, great in bed but like he almost didn´t talk to me.

The morning after we fucked again, I ate an Orange and left. With him, of course, because there was 2kms(more than 1 mile) till the nearest train station and I didn’t want to walk alone. Again, I tried all my best to talk to him but it didn’t work. I just gave up and said bye. He said Ciao. And I was sitting in this bloody train for almost an hour, looked out of the window and thought:

“Oh boy, help yourself because there is no way on this planet I will travel this much for your dick.”

Oh girl, you were soo wrong…

(To be continued in the next post)

Chapters of Book

Chapter 5: Betrayed

This is actually a flash-forward chapter. Because it just happened today and I want to tell you the story till it´s really hot and till I´m still very upset. So, there is me and my study group of 7 other people. We are like 50/50 boys/girls so gender equality and shit is always a thing with us. First, when I started my new school in Autumn (It´s a non-degree, 1 year school) I was really excited, because of new people and possibilities and frightened, because I was the only foreigner there whose mother language was not German. Although my German is pretty well (I´m living here for more than 2 years now) I´m still very insecure. It´s just in my character.

So after two months, we had to do a school project and suddenly I realized that nobody wanted to work with me. It was definitely not because of my skills because there are people in my group worse than me. They just didn´t want to work with me. But sweet Lord Jesus, they had to. I was really upset about it and people kept not asking my opinion about everything involved in Project. So I fucking started to say or cry my opinions out loud. But still, when I was not doing it I was totally ignored. No wonder sometimes I hate them. They are just cold-hearted and I am just shy.

Just today we got an e-mail that we will be going to another city for few days. And there is another girl there, the loser one. And nobody likes her. Even me. Just let me tell you about the other two girls. Both of them think they´re the center of the world. I actually have nothing against them but they do not like me. So we needed to choose rooms and nobody asked me, they just sent me with this loser girl. Aaaand for the first time I directly told them that I didn´t want with her. Nobody´s answering. I hope it will be okay and they won´t hate me more because of this. I literally hate my life now.

And today is 14th February, Valentine´s day. And my Husband is in another country for a week because of work(he didn´t even text me today). And I need to babysit for another family because I need money.

Oh, will it ever get better?

Update:

It got better.

1. My husband texted me for valentines day. A very sweet text

2. This girl isn’t coming with us at all so I have a room all alone. Bitch, you played yourselves

3. I earned good cash via babysitting

I need to remind myself more often that WAITING helps al lot

Chapters of Book

Chapter 4: My twice-of-my-age boyfriend from past

I was 15
He said he was 19
Then 21
He apologized and said he was 25
Finally I found out he was 29

One a day I’m lying in my bed. Thinking about how my friends are starting to lose their virginities and all I’ve ever done is french kiss with my first and only boyfriend when I was 13. My phone beeps, I take it and there is a simple text “My name is Andre(changed), nice to meet you”.

Me, as a virgin emotional teenager, start fighting about how I don’t like to talk to random strangers(I love talking to random strangers, literarry. I’m addicted to it). He starts being rude. He starts acting so childish, that I think he’s a teenager too and I say “Does your mother know that you’re being so rude to girls?” and he said “First, I am 19 already. Nobody needs to know where I am. And second, she died when I was 13. Good Night”

And I’m feeling like an asshole. I’m feeling like the worst person in the world and I’m starting to excuse. Saying I’m sorry he suddenly says “You two have the same name”. And I’m feeling excited. I decided I needed to meet that guy. It was so emotional for me.

We sent eachother thousends of messages. He even paid the costs for my phone once. He said he loved me. He wanted to sext me sometimes too. It was awkward. Being a virgin and with porno-based sex education I couldn’t really understand the meaning of many things. Once he started texting like “I imagine you in a red lingerie, lying in my bed…” and all I texted was “I better sleep naked, good night”. After five years I realise how dumb it sounds but it was really normal for a 15-years-old child. CHILD.

Then we met.
In the middle of the main street of the city. That’s the place where most of internet couples meet. We took a walk, he says nothing important, just a bunch of useless things. I think he is okay. I do not want to meet anymore. I’m afraid, but I don’t know why.

He said he had to move to other country. We met second and the last time. Some of my friends said he was a good-looking and handsome. I didn’t think so. I wanted him to go but I didn’t want to feel lonely. Finally he left. Angry because I didn’t have sex with him. I was glad I didn’t.

After few months I was stalking him on facebook. I saw his birthday label said way more years than he said to me. I saw he had a new girlfriend. Oh, a pregnant girlfriend. And I felt sorry because of them, because his baby would be only 15 years younger than his ex-girlfriend.

I was a lucky one
I escaped a pedophile

Chapters of Book

Chapter 3: Overthinking

I’m a great lover. And I’ve always been in love since my puberty happened. I hated it first but then learned to appreciate my character and ways of living.

I always said to my boys (and they were way too many) that if it should be an one night stand, then, please, never ever call me again. But they kept calling, started dating me and after 2-3 dates they were “sick”, they had “flu”, they were “abroad”. One of them even pretended to have cancer. First I was super sad but then, when I realised that it was all a lie, I was even more sad. Just like I thought that only thing boys liked in me was my vagina and then they wanted to go away as soon as possible before the real dating.

I had insecurities about my body. Oh, some extra kilograms. Oh, ugly boobs. And I found some extra public hair on my body. Then I started shaving my pubes. It got itchy and I had plenty of ingrown hair. I was so afraid of sex because of all these things, that pause between losing my virginity & second sex was 21 months. Aand I did it with the same guy…

These stories are 3-4 years away from me. I know that they won’t repeat themselves unless I will decide that I hate myself and my body again. Now I have a boyfriend, being 10kgs heavier & never perfectly shaven, we fuck so much we can. 

It’s not about you, it’s about finding the right guy. ”All you need is just a little patience”.

Stop overthinking. It can really damage you. 

Chapters of Book

Chapter two: Nostalgia

 

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I should write a book. Really. I could even stole the name from tumblr: “Ideas that seemed like good ones at 3 a.m.”. And I know the first sentence too: “But they weren’t”. This book will never be written and it’s pages will never see the daylight I think. But just before 365 days I had totally other thoughts in my brain.

And I was totally the other person.

It was just like one year ago.

One fucking year ago.

I thought that my moving in foreign country was for only one year. I wanted to go back with a little money, study again and be happy with my friends and family. It was an illusion that seemed like a reality. I want to go there but I will stay here too. And this nostalgia is killing me slowly from inside.

I wanted to see the therapist, because I had the first stages of anxiety and depression. I have them now too. But, oh my, they cost so much I won’t be allowed to pay them for next two years. So I’m staying home googling how can I get better. But nothing really helps for the person so sceptical like me.

Nostalgia never ends. All the endings are fake. Just like my will of staying here.